“Something must be wrong with me”

This is a thought I have had on an internal repeat throughout my entire life.

This refrain has come to mind when friendships have abruptly ended, when potential relationships are halted before they’ve actually begun, and the list goes on and on.

I am not one to typically hop on the pity party train of life whenever these things happen. I’m a textbook Pollyanna that can’t help but try to find the positive in almost every situation. However, when I noticed this happening on a semi-regular basis, the wheels started turning, the negative self-talk started ramping up, and it was all downhill from there. Each time it happened the process was the same: wash, rinse, repeat.

So, am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me? Well…yes and no

Yes, I am a part of the problem at times. We all are. To try and pretend like I am a perfect person is a huge and nasty lie and I’ve never been good at lying (I have no poker face).

But, if I’m really honest, the answer to this question is no. I, myself, am not the source of the problem…the problem is the person who I pretend to be for other people.

You see, I am a habitual people pleaser. I have spent more of my life trying to make other people happy than actually doing things I enjoy. I have overexerted my self time and time again in attempts to make other people feel safe and secure without even considering if I felt that same safety and security.

The result of all this effort? Fair-weather friendships that left me feeling lonely and confused as well as “potential relationships” that were nothing more than, what felt like, a waste of time. I cannot tell you how many times I cried in my room wondering what more I could have done to make these people happy.

“I worked so hard, do they not care?”

Simple answer: No.

More complex answer: Honey, they don’t care about you; just what you can give them.

I can say that now as a woman in her late twenties, but the person that I was in my late teens and early twenties did not see these things because she did not want to see them. That would mean that the people she trusted did not care and that just couldn’t be true.

So, how does all of this equate to loving who I am becoming like the title of this post says?

Throughout my life I have struggled with self-confidence, anxiety, and generally taking up space that I thought other people may want to have. These struggles used to make me feel inferior in every single way as I compared myself to the people around me (I’m not small enough, not pretty enough, not *insert anything* enough so I’ll just do things to make people happy). I would overwork myself to please other people so that I feel needed; so that I would be good enough for them…and guess what? It didn’t work.

Over the past two years, I would say I have moved from a habitual people pleaser to a “recovering” people pleaser (progress is progress). I do still have a strong desire to make sure the people around me are happy, but I have an even stronger desire to make sure I am safe emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I am an individual with unique talents, perspectives, and passions that work together to make me someone valuable. I was created for a specific purpose by a God who knows every detail about me, good and bad, and chooses to love me.

God does not love me for the things I do, but rather for who I am.

When I started living in light of that truth, I felt so incredibly free.

I felt free to choose to disengage from those fair-weather friendships. Some of these disengagements were a little uncomfortable to navigate while others ended by me simply not reaching out to those people anymore (and, surprise surprise, the other people didn’t even seem to notice). This freedom helped to invest in true friendships; some that have just started and others that have lasted years. These friendships refresh my soul and bring me so much more joy now that I can focus on them without exhausting myself on the others.

I’ve felt free to pursue my interests more fully as well. Diving into creating music or small DIY projects brings me such fulfillment. Being in nature, speaking my mind, taking up space, wearing fun clothes; all of these things may seem silly and trivial, but they help me to feel more like myself for the first time in my life.

I’ve found freedom in my singleness as well. Every “potential relationship” I could have had in the past did not happen for a reason. I am so thankful for that! I firmly believe that if one of those potential relationships had happened back then, I would have ended up heartbroken. Back then, I was trying to be whoever that person wanted me to be instead of who God created me to be. While I do still hope to be in a relationship one day, I am perfectly content where I am in life and I am not going to rush God’s plan. He has me where I am and I am going to serve Him to the best of my abilities in this time and love every minute of it!

Do I still struggle with falling back in these negative habits? Absolutely. But, by the grace of God and His work through me I have come too far to go back now.

There’s a quote by C.S. Lewis that I feel expresses what I have found to be true:

“There are far better things ahead that any we leave behind” – C.S. Lewis

No matter how I feel on my worst days, progress is progress. The right people will love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I am worthy to take up space because the God of the Universe created me to be in this space.

I love who I’m becoming and I hope you love who you’re becoming too.